Sunday, September 20, 2015

32 weeks / hanging in there..

i know that everyone has their own issues they are dealing with, whether they feel like big or small ones. we all go through tough times. i dont want to sit here and complain.. because i have SO MUCH to be grateful for, and i am truly grateful. but its been a rough pregnancy over here. i wanted to write down & share my big/small issues and thoughts.. if anyone else is dealing with something similar its nice to be able to relate. also i want some details documented so when i get baby fever / envious of baby bumps in the future, i can remind myself that i'm not very good at being pregnant. 

(31 weeks - baby #2 - hospital visit due to high blood pressure and extreme headache)

 (35 weeks with lincoln (2013) a few days before i was induced. i was asked to pee in that lovely orange jar for 24 hours while hooked up to IV's and monitors. thats how i found out i had preeclampsia the first time around)

this pregnancy, i've pretty much dealt with the list of pregnancy issues you read about and hope to not deal with.. from daily headaches & nausea, to back pain, neck pain, to varicose veins (so much more painful than it sounds), swelling & extra water weight gain due to preeclampsia, collecting my pee in a jar to measure the protein, getting labs / blood work, monitored by my OB once a week, stress test once a week, and a growth ultrasound once a month. flu last week with body aches on top of body aches.. hospitalized one day because of a spike in my blood pressure.. even walking has been hard because of the varicose veins, high blood pressure, and extra weight.. if i walk too much i'm usually lightheaded, dizzy or totally sore the next day. and when i mean walk to much.. i mean going to the grocery store, the park down the street, or chasing after lincoln. i feel like an old lady with a baby bump. this isn't me..

my peace right now is sleep. dream world. watching lincoln sleep, taking naps with him. feeling his toes on my back or his hand reaching for me to make sure i'm laying next to him. its my escape and my heaven. sleeping is the only thing i'm good at right now. its hard to feel like yourself when so much is weighing on you.. psychically and emotionally.. and waiting. waiting until i go in for a regular check up and they tell me my blood pressure is too high, or my kidneys are failing, or my body isn't delivering enough nutrients to the baby and out he comes. we are playing a game - lets see how long this baby can healthily grow & cook inside before its time to grab him out of there. the goal is 37-39 weeks. but you always hear different stories from different people, and there is no way to know until you physically get worse.

remembering me the first time around, being pregnant with lincoln. i wanted a douala, a midwife, no hospital and no medicine. after lincoln was born i realized its definitely not up to me. the majority of my pregnancy was enjoyable, no big issues until i was hospitalized at 35 weeks, induced at 36 weeks. given pitocen, an epidural, and magnesium to help me from getting a seizure then sat in the NICU for two and a half weeks waiting to bring my tiny 5lb baby home. now i'm seeing OB's weekly, in and out of doctors offices often, and very thankful for modern medicine. not sure what i would do without all these dedicated doctors and nurses.

its really hard to hear that you're doing damage to your own body when trying to create another life. its been a lot for me to take in. luckily because of lincoln, i am more confident in myself that everything will be okay. but its still really scary. i cry sometimes in the shower, seems like a good place to let loose while hot water soothes my aching body. but sometimes on my way to a doctors appointment i'll tear up, because i worry. emotions and hormones get really heavy. especially toward the end.. the unknown end of pregnancy.

baby #2 growth ultrasound. he's super healthy (healthier than his mama, thank god)
measuring in the 50-60% percentile. he's 4lbs 7oz at 32 weeks.

two babies though. i am so lucky. once this pregnancy is over, my condition will just be a memory. along with other memories of my new, bigger family. my two sons. the loves of my life. i will hang in there for a few more weeks, because it is all so worth it. he will be 100% worth it. i cannot wait to see his beautiful face. a tiny baby in my arms. it will be the cure and the medicine i need. <3

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