hello grey boy: 26 weeks / preeclampsia

i tried my best to pose with this belly.. i'm no model. i laugh at the faces i make, and how hard it is to photograph a moving toddler. i'm 5 feet almost 3 inches tall, and growing another human is hard on this body. it took a long time for me to start loving my body. after i gave birth the first time, i really appreciated my body and what it had the power to do. i created, grew, housed another human being, and then made food for him for almost a year. [more about breastfeeding here] and now, being pregnant again, i'm really trying to not worry about packing on the lbs and love my body for what it is capable of doing. (i will say that i am very much looking forward to breastfeeding again. i do miss that a lot!)

we had a lot of complications with lincoln. i had [preeclampsia], found out at 35 weeks and then out lincoln came (induced) at 36 weeks. too soon to breathe on his own, eat on his own, and keep his body temp up. we spent a lot of time in the NICU. it was difficult for me, because it seemed like it was my fault, my body was rejecting the pregnancy. i thought i would have such a different experience. and seeing him with all the cords and machines was terrifying.

we got the news earlier this time around. 14 weeks, went in for a regular check up, took my blood pressure, and saw the midwife's face when she told me: "140/90". my heart sank and i immediately cried. all the scared feelings were coming back to me. i knew right away that having high blood pressure this early on was not good. they call this stage "chronic hypertension" because i'm not far enough along to show symptoms of preeclampsia. its a waiting game. and a difficult one. will i have another baby rushed to the NICU? will i make it 36 weeks? 40 weeks? will i get to hold my baby right after i deliver him? will he be healthy and okay?

its taken me a while to accept that this is my body, i'm doing my best, and i'm going to have to go with the flow of life. i dont get to be picky and i have to remain calm. after feeling guilty (again) about what my body is doing, and how pregnancy hasn't been easy for me.. i've finally come to my senses and decided to just enjoy this last and final pregnancy with all its ups and downs. i feel lucky for what i have, i'm excited for whats to come. when i look at lincoln today, i love him that much more for being my strong little guy and know that everything will be okay.

so lets rock this bump and make the best of it!