miscarrying & life...

why is this such a hard topic to talk about? it happens to so many women, way more than you think.. but its this embarrassing secret and we aren't suppose to tell anyone. i get that its personal. its really personal. but the first thing i did (after dealing with my surge of hormones and balling) was looked online for other people who experienced it and talked about how they dealt with their miscarriage. my generation definitely asks the internet a lot about life. and i feel lucky to have that, considering it seemed so hard to tell people.. and for some reason talking about it helped me process it. how do you even bring something like that up... "hey how are you?" .. "i'm terrible, just miscarried, but i think i'll be fine soon, can we talk about it?"...

not planning a pregnancy, feeling extremely pregnant, seeing a positive pregnancy test, getting excited, telling my boyfriend, telling my son "your gonna be a big brother" (good thing he doesn't understand me.. note to self.. don't tell him until its safe to), planning a new chapter in my head, a family of four (plus prince), figuring out in my head where the baby will sleep, going on pinterest and seeing what awesome new things i can pin for a possible shared nursery, thinking "omg its probably a girl, i hope its girl, but if its a boy he will be awesome too," seeing a little blood, going to the doctor, seeing nothing on the ultrasound, seeing more blood, in denial because that wouldn't happen to me, right?, crying, wanting another baby right now, being okay with my family of three because we weren't really "ready" anyways, crying, wanting another baby, being happy with one baby, wanting another baby, loving how far i've come with my son and thinking waiting is a good idea and this is probably a sign, wanting another baby now and thinking we should try again immediately, thinking thats crazy, asking my midwife for birth control for some peace of mind .... i swear the mind can be more painful than the actual miscarriage (can be.. no it definitely is)

of course its sad, its life and death on a small scale. its so frustrating, confusing, and totally messes with your mind and makes you feel like a failure. i've learned miscarriages are healthy. its the body saying "this one doesn't have all the right pieces, lets try again next time." i get it.. and thank you body for recognizing that this embryo just wasn't ready for life.

i'm not going to lie. i've been in a hole for about a month. i have always had hormonal issues and mood swings, but this definitely triggered them in full effect. i haven't been inspired to do anything but what i have to do. (i haven't been blogging.. i felt like i had nothing awesome to share) but i try and stop and think.. where i am in my life right now, what i want to accomplish, what i want to do with my future and my family's future.. and in the big picture.. i'm okay. i really am okay. there's so much more i want to experience with my son. life is starting to get easy with him now that he's a toddler. we sleep good, eat good, play all day. its really great. i'm okay with not being pregnant now and maybe down the road we will try again, but i'm not going to think about it for a while.

i really wanted to write this post to share some thoughts, and reach out to anyone else experiencing this and know that its okay to talk about it. and it DOES get better each day. and its something that 1 out of 5 women experience. it doesn't mean your never going to make babies. it probably means your only going to make awesome babies.

i've been taking so many photos of lincoln on these different "paths", and i know this is so cliche and cheesy, but i see a deeper meaning now. sometimes the path your on needs a little hill or mountain to put things in perspective. i cherish my family so much and feel so lucky to be on a path with them. we can get through anything together. <3