birth story #2 - the ups and downs

welcome to the world baby Julius Grey Marzullo. at 5lbs 8oz you are the perfect tiny man.

a selfie right after they told us at 35 weeks i was about to be induced.. excited to meet our baby but also pretty nervous since he was so small still. 

if you've been following along, you maybe know about the obstacles in this pregnancy [26 weeks] [32 weeks]. i dealt with preeclampsia my last pregnancy and have had high blood pressure aka gestational hypertension through out this one... so high they had to deliver the baby at 35 weeks and preeclampsia wasn't present until postpartum which is more severe, unpredictable, and pretty rare. 

i went into the hospital about 5 times over the last month before this night. my blood pressure was spiking and i needed to be monitored for a few hours so that the doctors could put me on a blood pressure medication. each time i went back my numbers crept up. each time i was nervous about getting admitted and being induced. 

10/10/15- around midnight i felt terrible, i had such a bad headache and felt like my heart was pounding too hard. i took my blood pressure at home and sure enough it was the highest its ever been 182/112 (on medication). my dad was in town visiting / helping with lincoln, so nick and i left and headed to the hospital. when we got there i was getting more attention than i had been given in the past. i got some blood pressure meds through my IV. the doctors knew about me right away and were in and out of the room getting information and figuring out what the game plan was. i still did not develop preeclampsia at this point but it seemed just as serious. maybe an hour or two after i got there, they decided they were going to induce me, because of the risk that the placenta would detach/ explode. i was pretty nervous because my first son was a 36 week preemie who had to stay at the NICU for 2.5 weeks, and just wanted this guy to be healthy. but i was also so excited i would meet him sooner and be done with this awful pregnancy. 

unfortunately when you have risk of seizure, they put you on lovely magnesium. by lovely i mean the worst. worst. worst. 24 hours of basically feeling like you have the flu and it makes your body so hot. ice packs on your face kind of hot. and i needed to be on this magnesium from the time they induced me. i was highly encouraged to get an epidural. it would help with the pain which would help with the blood pressure staying down. i met a very unprofessional, arrogant epidural man, who i would later find out messed up my back pretty bad. but more about that later.

10/11/15 - after the epidural i was able to try and sleep for a while. around 5am i was 1-2cm dialated. they decided to put this balloon contraption inside to help open the cervix. i was 4cm from around 9am-4pm... every time they checked it was a huge disappointment that i hadn't gone farther than 4cm. then all of a sudden my body just went into full gear. i thought my epidural was wearing off but in fact it was the "pressure" of the baby's head. i told my nurse about the pressure and she called in the doctor. he told me i was 8cm. a few min later the pressure was really intense... i went from 8-10cm in a few min and he was sliding out. the NICU team and high risk doctors gathered around. all i could think was how much i wanted to hold him right away. (they took lincoln away so fast i didn't even see him). i pushed maybe 4 times and out came baby boy. nick nervously cut the umbilical cord. they brought the baby to the table, cleaned him off a tad and PUT HIM ON MY CHEST. i was in heaven. i could't believe he was mine. 

he did end up going to the NICU. which i expected, but did amazing, better than i would have thought a 35 week old could handle. he was only on a low amount of oxygen to help his lungs, and an iv for fluids. once he could breathe better on his own (half a day later) i was able to breastfeed. the NICU actually became so full that Julius was kicked out because he was the healthiest baby and was brought into my room. although its just a hospital room, i wanted to take a few photos to remember the little things. because the first part of my hospital time was very enjoyable considering. 

breast pump nunchucks

while in the NICU his big brother got to meet him. lincoln was a little nervous. i dont think he liked all the machines, but he was loving toward his brother.

the shitty part of this story is that i was discharged from the hospital a few days after Julius was born. I was home for maybe a day and a half, and ended up going back to the hospital at midnight again..

this time i had to go to ER (not mother and baby floor) and was put on a floor with a lot of sick people. because i was on this floor, i would soon learn that i could not see my kids, because anyone under 7 was not allowed on this "sick floor" especially my tiny preemie. 

my headache was the worst headache i've ever experienced. and my blood pressure was really high again. when i laid down my headache was way less severe than when i stood up. this was related to that lovely epidural.. called a spinal headache. and i think there was a blood pressure headache on top of the spinal headache. i wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. 

but they didn't give me any pain medication for hours. they wanted to make sure my brain wasn't bleeding !?! so i sat through a cat scan.. then an MRI... (which if you have a headache.. holy shit MRI's are super intense) the entire time.. for hours.. i had an ice pack over my eyes. i couldn't take it off. bright lights and any sound was making me crazy. they discovered pretty quickly that i had postpartum preeclampsia and this spinal headache. my kidneys and liver were being attacked and my blood pressure was spiking. i pretty much felt like i was in a headache coma. i didn't even have a chance to think about anything other than how much pain i was in. the ONLY thing that made my headache go way was an opiate through my IV that pretty much felt like i would imagine heroin to feel like. i felt warmth through my veins all over my body and then an instant release of pain. i laid there pretty numb and could finally relax. once i came out of my "headache coma" i was feeling super alone. i wasn't even able to eat for days and felt pretty empty. i just birthed a baby and wasn't able to see him or lincoln for over 3 days. my heart and body ached. all i could do was pump for my newborn and try to get myself healthy. my body was pretty weak, but making milk was never an issue and i'm very thankful for that. i kept reminding myself that its better that i'm in the hospital than Julius in the NICU. because i knew my boys were comfy at home with grandparents being loved unconditionally. 

because of the headache i had multiple doctors over looking me. when the neurologist okayed me and the anesthesiologist okayed me, then i was only a patient to the OBs/ high risk doctors and they wanted me back on the mommy and baby floor. (THANK YOU) it felt SO good to be back in the care of nurses who knew how to handle patients who just had a baby. the emotional out breaks and pumping, and all the other things that the ER nurses didn't really understand or relate to. I felt halfway home. and now my babies could visit me. i could hardly breathe when i saw lincolns face. he walked in like such a big boy with his backpack on. i cried sooooo hard, even though i tried not to.. and just wanted him to know how much i missed him. 

i spent two and a half days on that floor and i was told after my blood pressure was stable and my headache was gone, i could finally go home to my babies. which was another issue in itself. my BP had to be under 160/100 for 24 hours. every time they wheeled the BP machine in i became so nervous and could feel my bloop pressure rising. it was a catch 22. and being away from the boys was also adding to that BP being high i think. anyways.. after one or two additional blood pressure spikes.. i finally made it out. you never realize how good you have it until its taken from you. smelling fresh air was pretty amazing. and the drive home seemed like i had been out of town for so long. when i opened the door i heard "MOMMMMMMY!" and my whole body felt relaxed and happy again. 

my heart explodes when i see them together. even though i'm clearly not good at the pregnancy part..

i can't believe i made them. 

being home has been amazing. i'm tired and smelly and sometimes overwhelmed, but i appreciate every day with these guys. because i was so lost without them <3

thankful for my dad for taking a last minute trip and being in town when i was in labor, thankful for my mom for staying in the hospital with me and taking care of the boys. thankful for my mother in law and father in law for also being here to help with the boys. without them it would have been a more stressful situation. we are lucky to have so much support. 

a little less detailed, but i did make a video: [lincoln's "birth story" video]

waterfall glen forest preserve

we took these cuties to [waterfall glen forest preserve] last thursday for a morning adventure. this little getaway is only about 30 minutes outside of chicago. sometimes every now and then you need some nature lovin.

thea and lincoln met when they were about 5 months old, (they are born a week apart) and have been friends ever since.

thank you [whitney] for my mini maternity waterfall photoshoot :) 

you can find more of her amazing photography [here]

me being weird at 28 weeks. finally in the third trimester and super excited.

the bump actually makes a great seat for a toddler.

26 weeks / preeclampsia

i tried my best to pose with this belly.. i'm no model. i laugh at the faces i make, and how hard it is to photograph a moving toddler. i'm 5 feet almost 3 inches tall, and growing another human is hard on this body. it took a long time for me to start loving my body. after i gave birth the first time, i really appreciated my body and what it had the power to do. i created, grew, housed another human being, and then made food for him for almost a year. [more about breastfeeding here] and now, being pregnant again, i'm really trying to not worry about packing on the lbs and love my body for what it is capable of doing. (i will say that i am very much looking forward to breastfeeding again. i do miss that a lot!)

we had a lot of complications with lincoln. i had [preeclampsia], found out at 35 weeks and then out lincoln came (induced) at 36 weeks. too soon to breathe on his own, eat on his own, and keep his body temp up. we spent a lot of time in the NICU. it was difficult for me, because it seemed like it was my fault, my body was rejecting the pregnancy. i thought i would have such a different experience. and seeing him with all the cords and machines was terrifying.

we got the news earlier this time around. 14 weeks, went in for a regular check up, took my blood pressure, and saw the midwife's face when she told me: "140/90". my heart sank and i immediately cried. all the scared feelings were coming back to me. i knew right away that having high blood pressure this early on was not good. they call this stage "chronic hypertension" because i'm not far enough along to show symptoms of preeclampsia. its a waiting game. and a difficult one. will i have another baby rushed to the NICU? will i make it 36 weeks? 40 weeks? will i get to hold my baby right after i deliver him? will he be healthy and okay?

its taken me a while to accept that this is my body, i'm doing my best, and i'm going to have to go with the flow of life. i dont get to be picky and i have to remain calm. after feeling guilty (again) about what my body is doing, and how pregnancy hasn't been easy for me.. i've finally come to my senses and decided to just enjoy this last and final pregnancy with all its ups and downs. i feel lucky for what i have, i'm excited for whats to come. when i look at lincoln today, i love him that much more for being my strong little guy and know that everything will be okay. 

so lets rock this bump and make the best of it!

this blue cape was made by my awesome friend amelia.. 

and gave me the idea for this [diy superhero initial cape] post

i have a feeling i will be that mom with two wild boys. 

baby J does NOT stop moving.. ever.

non stop dance party going on in there.

new news...

we found out super exciting news yesterday.. we are expecting another baby boy this fall.

i am super proud of this big brother. and looking forward to our family of four.

^ this is nick showing us how he will hold "my two sons!!"  

lincoln's shirt was made at an awesome local t-shirt shop called [the t-shirt deli] they make custom designed shirts and serve them up like sandwiches at a deli with some chips. 

love making excuses to go to the t-shirt deli! 

miscarrying & life...

why is this such a hard topic to talk about? it happens to so many women, way more than you think.. but its this embarrassing secret and we aren't suppose to tell anyone. i get that its personal. its really personal. but the first thing i did (after dealing with my surge of hormones and balling) was looked online for other people who experienced it and talked about how they dealt with their miscarriage. my generation definitely asks the internet a lot about life. and i feel lucky to have that, considering it seemed so hard to tell people.. and for some reason talking about it helped me process it. how do you even bring something like that up... "hey how are you?" .. "i'm terrible, just miscarried, but i think i'll be fine soon, can we talk about it?"...

not planning a pregnancy, feeling extremely pregnant, seeing a positive pregnancy test, getting excited, telling my boyfriend, telling my son "your gonna be a big brother" (good thing he doesn't understand me.. note to self.. don't tell him until its safe to), planning a new chapter in my head, a family of four (plus prince), figuring out in my head where the baby will sleep, going on pinterest and seeing what awesome new things i can pin for a possible shared nursery, thinking "omg its probably a girl, i hope its girl, but if its a boy he will be awesome too," seeing a little blood, going to the doctor, seeing nothing on the ultrasound, seeing more blood, in denial because that wouldn't happen to me, right?, crying, wanting another baby right now, being okay with my family of three because we weren't really "ready" anyways, crying, wanting another baby, being happy with one baby, wanting another baby, loving how far i've come with my son and thinking waiting is a good idea and this is probably a sign, wanting another baby now and thinking we should try again immediately, thinking thats crazy, asking my midwife for birth control for some peace of mind .... i swear the mind can be more painful than the actual miscarriage (can be.. no it definitely is)

of course its sad, its life and death on a small scale. its so frustrating, confusing, and totally messes with your mind and makes you feel like a failure. i've learned miscarriages are healthy. its the body saying "this one doesn't have all the right pieces, lets try again next time." i get it.. and thank you body for recognizing that this embryo just wasn't ready for life.

i'm not going to lie. i've been in a hole for about a month. i have always had hormonal issues and mood swings, but this definitely triggered them in full effect. i haven't been inspired to do anything but what i have to do. (i haven't been blogging.. i felt like i had nothing awesome to share) but i try and stop and think.. where i am in my life right now, what i want to accomplish, what i want to do with my future and my family's future.. and in the big picture.. i'm okay. i really am okay. there's so much more i want to experience with my son. life is starting to get easy with him now that he's a toddler. we sleep good, eat good, play all day. its really great. i'm okay with not being pregnant now and maybe down the road we will try again, but i'm not going to think about it for a while.

i really wanted to write this post to share some thoughts, and reach out to anyone else experiencing this and know that its okay to talk about it. and it DOES get better each day. and its something that 1 out of 5 women experience. it doesn't mean your never going to make babies. it probably means your only going to make awesome babies.

i've been taking so many photos of lincoln on these different "paths", and i know this is so cliche and cheesy, but i see a deeper meaning now. sometimes the path your on needs a little hill or mountain to put things in perspective. i cherish my family so much and feel so lucky to be on a path with them. we can get through anything together. <3

clean living / yoga pre and postnatal

yoga class with lincoln (in my belly and out) has been such a wonderful experience. there are  many positive emotions that fill my body and mind when i am practicing yoga. i didn't think i was a big yogi until i partook in prenatal / pregnancy yoga. it was exactly what i needed to get me through the stress, emotions, and my roller coaster hormones. yoga brought me back to my center and grounded me for what was ahead. every class i was breathing-in peace and breathing-out bad energy. i was preparing for labor by opening my hips and learning to breathe through the difficult poses. i was connecting with my baby growing inside me. 

when lincoln was 4 weeks old i was aching for another yoga class. my body wasn't ready for a fast paced class. i decided to try and take him to a "mommy baby" yoga class. even though he wasn't perfect for the hour long class, it was such an amazing experience. i was instantly hooked. it is so helpful to know that other moms are in the same situation as you, and to be able to talk about it makes you feel no so alone. not only is it amazing to watch your baby grow each week at yoga class, saying "he's 3 months and lifting his head" to "he's 9 months and crawling", but its amazing to watch other moms and their babies grow. motherhood is such a special thing to share with each other. yoga class really makes it comfortable to get personal. 

first sharing about ourselves and our baby, and any problems or milestones we've come across. we work on the baby bodies, rubbing bellies to help aid digestion, we stretch their legs and arms, we sing to them, we use them as weights lifting them in the air, and stretch into downward dog over their tiny bodies. amazingly, every pose can be modified to do with your baby. i also love that lincoln gets to observe and play with other babies in a warm, positive environment. i leave each class so happy and thankful for my mama yogi community. 

now lincoln is 9 months, about ready to be done with the "baby & me" yoga and about to move into "busy baby" yoga with the crawlers and climbers. i look forward to my class once a week. even though i can't make it every single week, i have a new community of moms and my son has made some adorable friends. 

thank you to my yoga teachers, you are much than yoga teacher to me:

prenatal: [lauren]

postnatal: [jenny & carina]

my silly yogi boy. from 4 weeks - 9 months.

[side note: if yoga doesn't seem affordable for you, look into a yoga studio with a work/ study. 

you help clean yoga mats in exchange for credit towards classes. 

see bottom left photo: lincoln is a great helper.]

small shopper / mother's day shopping

(wicker park / bucktown, chicago)
shop small saturady: next week is mother's day!
 whether she's a brand new mama, mom-to-be, mother of one, two, or three,
 or even a grandmother; celebrate all the moms you know. 
this week's post features three unique stores. home, women's fashion, baby

[virtu]

a curious collection of fine craft

2034 n damen ave, chicago

i truly love shopping here. owned by a quirky, fun mama, who supports shop small saturday with so much enthusiasm. she is a community leader in the buck town neighborhood and will make you feel at home in her store.
her collection of fine craft is really eclectic. to name a few; humorous cards, insect ceramics, handmade engagement rings (cough, nick, cough)..
gifts for young moms and gifts for grandmas.

lincoln road, miami

4 months pregnant // 8 months pregnant

5 months old

last time i was here i had a reallllly big belly, now i have a 5 month old. its a pretty cool feeling to see myself and my son morph and change with time. 

lincoln road mall, miami